Inter canum et lupum.

[lupercusna]

Things learnt today:

- Drink heavily before each and every Gryffindor/Slytherin lesson.
- Don't handle Occamy eggs so close to the full moon.
- Don't argue with Madame Pomfrey when she's bandaging your hands.
- Don't try to type with bandaged hands. Thank God for Dictation spells.

And above all else

- Don't agree to a talk with your ex when your temper is at its usual monthly all-time high and his common sense is at its usual all-time low.

Needless to say, I am not impressed with Sirius right now - not that I really was before. He hasn't learnt a blasted thing from any of this. His idea of "talking" was to strut into my office, slick and confident that he was about to be forgiven and welcomed back with open arms. To his credit he did try to apologise but it was so devoid of sincerity that I started to laugh, because it was the same speech he used to give me back when we were fifteen and he'd done something stupid and was trying to talk me out of docking him House Points for it, right down to the smirk. That smirk is probably one of the very few things that Azkaban didn't manage to take from him or mutate into something else entirely.

When he realised it wasn't going to work he became very loud, and completely asinine. The usual insults, the usual snide remarks and diatribes, the same things he always says when he wants me to feel guilty enough that I'm no longer cross with him. I asked him if he'd tried the same routing on Harry yet, and he claimed that none of this was Harry's bloody business, which is when I finally threw him out of my office.

His parting shot as he stormed out was that he was sorry he couldn't live up to my expectations, and that he doubted that anyone could. And that's fine. He's right, and I'm sorry for that as well - but what I truly regret is that he couldn't even manage to live up to Harry's. That he's in here begging for my forgiveness and not beating down the door to Gryffindor Tower says volumes about how much he just doesn't get it. Or won't. I don't really even know and were it not for how completely hacked off Harry is by his behaviour, I would quickly cease to care.

And speaking of the boy, he offered to come and sit with me during my transformation tomorrow night. He said that he didn't mind, and he thought someone should be there, that it wasn't something he wanted to ignore. As much as that touched me I told him no, because despite Severus's vast improvements in the Wolfsbane Potion as of late, I won't risk it. I don't think Harry's too happy about that - I don't know that he's ever really understood how dangerous it is, when I am not me - but I said I would like it if he came to see me Wednesday morning before classes. So we have a date for tea then, and that is good. The highlight of my whole bloody day, really.

Right, I've got to take my potion and get these lesson plans down to Hagrid for tomorrow and Wednesday. I'll be laying low tomorrow day, so if anyone needs me you should see Severus or Minerva, but please don't send any owls. I really don't like the taste of feathers.

Goodsoddingnight.

Comments

[seamus-f.livejournal.com]

How about not letting him get you so worked up? How about not expecting anything from him and just waiting to see what you get? How about letting Harry worry about Harry's relationship with Sirius for a change? Not only is it not your problem to solve, but you cannot in fact solve it. So do us all a favor and stop bloody trying and concentrate on your own damn self for a while.

More than this I cannot say and hope to get a good enough NEWT in DADA . . .

[lupercusna]

You're right, of course. And you know that.

I can't help worrying about Harry though. I don't know how not to. He's just so... resigned, I guess. Defeated. It's heartbreaking to watch. Especially when Sirius isn't even trying to do a bloody thing about it!

Nevertheless, thanks for the kick in the arse. I promise that it will not effect your NEWTs. You're not even taking my class anymore!

And I resent that tennis match remark.

[seamus-f.livejournal.com]

I meant HIS class, not YOURS. I need a DADA NEWT for the apprenticeship, you know that! (Sorry, I'm having a lot of career stress this month.)

Harry will deal or he won't. All you or anyone can do is be there for him. You can't make Sirius Black do the "right thing" because you don't even know what that is, for them.

As for the tennis, if you hadn't been so determined not to talk about yourself we could have had this conversation the other day in your office instead of here. I don't want to kick you in the arse, anyway. What I want is for you to stop kicking yourself. That would be good.

[lupercusna]

Sorry, I'm a bit dim tonight. I think you'll do fine in the class, though. Sirius isn't the sort to take personal things out on his students, unlike some people I know. Ahem.

It's just - Harry's got so much to worry about already. Why should he have to deal with this as well? I would give anything to take all of this away, make it my pain and not his. I know that I can't, so don't lecture me, but the want is still there and isn't going away any time soon.

I just can't watch them end like this. This isn't how it's supposed to go, you know?

However I promise to lighten up now. You're not the first to tell me that I am being a whingey ass. You probably won't be the last (but you're certainly the more polite about it, that's for cert).

You were just as bad, incidentally. About the not-talking. So there.

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

Oh, sod off.

[lupercusna]

Well, you're getting better. You haven't made a first year cry in how long?

Though if you try that 'Isolate Potter' business again, we're going to have some words. Understand?

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

Six months. I have fallen extremely behind. It is most vexing.

I have no interest in Potter, whether it is to isolate him or throw him a bloody parade. I firmly believe that the attention he derives from the Dark Lord haunting his steps and you and the rest of his fan club kissing his feet is more than sufficient. I frankly have better things to do with my time.

[lupercusna]

Careful, Severus. If you do not live up to your malicious, malevolent expectations, you could be sacked. I'd hate for you to have to go find another school to terrorise. It would be really very boring around here.

And I am happy to hear that you have no interest in Harry. However, if you would like to Isolate Finnigan, I think that would be a smashing idea. He is really a holy terror, that one, and he ought to be stopped.

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

If it will make you happy, I will make several first-years cry tomorrow, and send them to you as proof of my continued abilities in my chosen field.

And who the bloody hell is Finnigan?

[lupercusna]

I have absolutely no doubts in your abilities, my dear Potions Master. The look of fear and loathing upon the faces of your students is proof enough.

Seamus Finnigan is the fellow who once declared to the Great Hall that you are a Winter, and thus spent six weeks of detention with Filch. He was right though. Will I have Detention now?

And speaking of tomorrow...

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

I am not a Winter. I do not even know what that means. Though I remember Finnigan now, a Gryffindor of course.

And I ought to give you a detention. I think you would be far more useful scrubbing cauldrons than you are otherwise.

Tomorrow is just another sodding day, Lupin. Not one bloody word.

[lupercusna]

Cauldron-scrubbing is a favoured pasttime of mine, truly.

And nice try, but I know perfectly well what tomorrow is, and I am well-prepared for it I assure you.

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

Lupin.

Do not dare.

I am warning you.

[lupercusna]

Why are you so worked up about it being a Thursday?

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

I hate you.

[lupercusna]

Oh, I know.

Goodnight, Severus. See you tomorrow. On Thursday.

[potions-master.livejournal.com]

Get stuffed.

Goodnight.

HEY

[seamus-f.livejournal.com]

Okay, what part of "career crisis" do you not understand? Or what part of "dropped all his electives to concentrate on his Potions grade"?

Besides, I am likely isolated enough, thank you VERY much.

Re: HEY

[lupercusna]

Only joking, my dear boy. Keep your freckles on!

Re: HEY

[seamus-f.livejournal.com]

Thanks for confirming that my Potions professor, upon whom I am reliant for a NEWT that will get me an apprenticeship, doesn't even know who the fuck I am despite my being in his class for the last six years. It's always good to see how much one doesn't actually make a bit of difference.

Keep your freckles on indeed.

Re: HEY

[lupercusna]

Calm down - you're missing the positive aspect of this whole thing, you know: Professor Snape not remembering you means that you are not a dismal student. He usually only remembers the horrid ones (ask Harry and Neville and any Weasley you can find) so the fact that you have slipped his mind means that likely, you will do extremely well in his class and likely wind up sweeping the NEWTs and go to work at St Mungo's and get a whole wing named after you in a hundred years.

I'll come to the ribbon-cutting, all right?

[seamus-f.livejournal.com]

They won't end. It won't go this way. Just be patient. Have faith.

I said nothing because I have nothing to say. I have no life outside of classes and work in the infirmary and teasing Malfoy. I don't even know if Dean is my friend. I don't know what we are anymore. I don't even know what he did over the summer. I have owls from Charlie sometimes, and that wasn't meant to last I know, but it would have been nice if something else had happened. Everyone knows there's a war coming and I don't know precisely what that means. I'm trying to get ready to be the best healer I can be but who knows if I can even do that? I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm afraid about what will happen when I leave here. I've only known my parent's home and this place and now I have to get ready to make my own home, likely alone, and I don't know if I'll be alone always or not, but it looks like it from here, right now anyway.

Is that enough for you?

[lupercusna]

You sound like any of the people I went to school with, because we were facing the same uncertainty that you were. No one knew what was going to happen. We lived under a shadow that we didn't understand, that the adults around us wouldn't explain until they all started getting themselves killed off, and that left the future to us and it was a dodgy future at best. It was bloody horrid to concentrate on the NEWTs wondering if you'd live long enough to see the results. But we all did it anyway because we had to have something to believe in, and that was that if we were the best that we could possibly be then that made our lives a little less temporary and a lot more hopeful. Sure, it wasn't easy and in the end we lost so much more than we actually gained, but we fought a good fight and we were sure in what we were capable of.

And you, Seamus, are more than capable of anything you want to do. You just have to do it.

You're not alone though. You might feel that way now, you probably feel pretty much on the lunatic fringe of everything, but when it comes down to it - when it's important - you will find you can depend on the people around you more than you suspect. I firmly believe that.

Take your own advice, and have some faith. All right?