![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Apr. 27th, 2003
A Feast of Crow
Apr. 27th, 2003 08:52 pmI want to apologise for my behaviour yesterday.
I am sorry for losing my temper. I was hurt and frightened, and in a bit of a panic. My first reaction was one of violence and malice, and that is a poor example to set for my students. Problems cannot be solved by fighting, or duels, or playing pranks on one another. I am old enough to know this by now, however yesterday I forgot myself and endangered not only myself but someone who I care about very much (though I didn't know it at the time - you and I are going to have words, later, boy). I am quite ashamed of myself, and humbled, and I will make every effort to ensure that this doesn't happen again.
And in case you're wondering why I did this, that is simple. Because I love someone.
Look, I love Sirius. I don't bloody care who knows about that or what anyone thinks about it. I've known the man more than half my life yet every day I learn something new about him. I have been in love with him since I was fifteen years old and I don't see that going away any time soon. He is not perfect. He is flawed, as all of us are, and damaged by a terrible thing that has happened in his life. He lost thirteen years of his life. There are pieces of himself missing that he might never, ever be able to find again because they were taken away, bit by bit, by Azkaban and the Dementors. And I understand and accept this.
Believe me, if anyone knows how it feels to have been interrupted, I do.
I also understand that everyone reacts and deals with their problems in different ways. Three years is not long enough for someone to put the pieces of their mind and spirit back together again, after over a decade of coming apart a piece at a time. We're wizards, not miracle workers, and we are not superhuman. Sirius does what he can to stay sane, and while I strive to help him adjust to a real life again it would do me no good to change him, because then he would no longer be the man I love.
Sirius is everything I could have ever hoped for in a companion. He is loyal and protective and he has a beauty to him that few shall ever see. I see how much he loves the people around him, the things he's done for Harry and even if I didn't know a bloody thing else about him that would be enough for me to know that he is a good man and deserving of all the happiness I can spare him. He has more grace to him than most people I know, and the devotion he shows to the things he cares passionately about that cannot be rivaled. He is my better half. He is my human credentials. He is my best friend.
And in a fortnight, he is still the man I will marry.
Going to go rest some more, before Poppy petrifies me, but before I go I have a few messages:
Fred - I am so, so sorry, and when you're ready I would like to talk to you about... what happened. Though I understand if you wouldn't want to. It is your decision.
George - I hope you realise now the damage that idle speculation and jumping to conclusions can cause. Your intentions may have been noble, but your judgement was rather dodgy.
Narcissa - Sorry to have worried you. You are welcome back to Dogear Wryde should you need to return. The party was lovely. Thank you very much.
And Harry... thank you. For saving my life.
Goodnight, everyone. See you in class tomorrow (albeit slightly damaged, though nothing a night of Skele-Grow won't cure).
I am sorry for losing my temper. I was hurt and frightened, and in a bit of a panic. My first reaction was one of violence and malice, and that is a poor example to set for my students. Problems cannot be solved by fighting, or duels, or playing pranks on one another. I am old enough to know this by now, however yesterday I forgot myself and endangered not only myself but someone who I care about very much (though I didn't know it at the time - you and I are going to have words, later, boy). I am quite ashamed of myself, and humbled, and I will make every effort to ensure that this doesn't happen again.
And in case you're wondering why I did this, that is simple. Because I love someone.
Look, I love Sirius. I don't bloody care who knows about that or what anyone thinks about it. I've known the man more than half my life yet every day I learn something new about him. I have been in love with him since I was fifteen years old and I don't see that going away any time soon. He is not perfect. He is flawed, as all of us are, and damaged by a terrible thing that has happened in his life. He lost thirteen years of his life. There are pieces of himself missing that he might never, ever be able to find again because they were taken away, bit by bit, by Azkaban and the Dementors. And I understand and accept this.
Believe me, if anyone knows how it feels to have been interrupted, I do.
I also understand that everyone reacts and deals with their problems in different ways. Three years is not long enough for someone to put the pieces of their mind and spirit back together again, after over a decade of coming apart a piece at a time. We're wizards, not miracle workers, and we are not superhuman. Sirius does what he can to stay sane, and while I strive to help him adjust to a real life again it would do me no good to change him, because then he would no longer be the man I love.
Sirius is everything I could have ever hoped for in a companion. He is loyal and protective and he has a beauty to him that few shall ever see. I see how much he loves the people around him, the things he's done for Harry and even if I didn't know a bloody thing else about him that would be enough for me to know that he is a good man and deserving of all the happiness I can spare him. He has more grace to him than most people I know, and the devotion he shows to the things he cares passionately about that cannot be rivaled. He is my better half. He is my human credentials. He is my best friend.
And in a fortnight, he is still the man I will marry.
Going to go rest some more, before Poppy petrifies me, but before I go I have a few messages:
Fred - I am so, so sorry, and when you're ready I would like to talk to you about... what happened. Though I understand if you wouldn't want to. It is your decision.
George - I hope you realise now the damage that idle speculation and jumping to conclusions can cause. Your intentions may have been noble, but your judgement was rather dodgy.
Narcissa - Sorry to have worried you. You are welcome back to Dogear Wryde should you need to return. The party was lovely. Thank you very much.
And Harry... thank you. For saving my life.
Goodnight, everyone. See you in class tomorrow (albeit slightly damaged, though nothing a night of Skele-Grow won't cure).
